I ran across a Chinese proverb it said,” After all, harming others means you first harm yourself”, when I read this it struck a cord with me because I am a vict(or)im of abuse. I am going on three years no contact with my family, and at this point in my journey I am on a path of understanding, and discarding all the negative memories that are embedded into me. Some days are okay, but a lot of days are great they are great because I am discovering the person I was before the abuse began. If you ever met anyone who was open enough to tell you about their abusive childhood they will tell you that the abused robbed them physically, mentally, emotional, and SPIRITUALLY.
My purpose wasn’t made clear to me. My abuser didn’t have a purpose that she was aware of hell, it was stripped from her so why not strip it from someone who isn’t capable to perceive what was actually going on around them? Make your victim a dumping ground for all the anger that you refuse to acknowledge is there also make them the main source of supply, because instead of getting proper healing they will instead choose to pass the baton of wickedness known as abuse. She robbed me of years but going no contact helped me see how toxic my mother was, and how demonically controlled my family is and how she really berated me to the point that I lost sight of who I was before I even became whole.
It takes some victims of abuse years before they see the light at the end of the tunnel, and decades before they leave the tunnel. I didn’t start healing until I left completely and many victims never see results in healing until they leave the toxic situations. Some days I feel lost, and other days I feel strong one thing I have learned on this path of healing is you shouldn’t judge yourself based off of how your abuser treated you. Your not dumb, your not stupid, your not evil but you were abused and it’s not your fault you won’t be held accountable for what your abuser did to you but you will be held accountable for how you let it make you. For the longest time after I stopped associating myself with my family I was bitter, I felt lost it wasn’t until I actually separated the abused me from the real me that I seen that I am loved, I am wanted, and I am adored. I didn’t need my mothers approval because she didn’t even know how to approve herself the only approval that I need to obtain is Yahweh The Most High God.
You are a survivor of abuse. You will be a conqueror of abuse. I choose to let my past strengthen me. I choose not to let the abuse that I suffered in my childhood change me as a person. I will still love. I will still encourage. I will still push forward. I will still reach for The Most High Yahweh. And I will still receive the healing that Christ gives me. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. 1 John 4:4
I’m not a big fan of New Year Resolutions, I feel that a lot of it is just regurgitated slangs that have been passed down from generation to generation. That’s just how I feel about it, and no DISRESPECT to anyone who believes DEEPLY in them that’s just how I feel.
Now, lets get to the topic at hand of which what I’m writing about. I am on a journey to “find” well actually discover myself I am excited, scared, nervous,and happy. Yes I understand that this is a lot of emotions but how can you blame me? I am in the process of eliminating a lot of useless things from my flesh the feelings of anger, bitterness, and the perpetual nonsense of “competing” with the daily gossips that happen to come up in the workplace. I am at a point in my life where I want to scream, laugh, and cry at the same damn time and if you have been on an awakening journey please reach through the screen and say, “DANYAH!!! I know EXACTLY how you FEEL”. I am at the point where I am understanding that life is more than what they have conditioned us to believe and happiness isn’t in a car, or gaining a promotion at a job where your working in an environment with people who can give a damn whether you live or die.
You don’t think it’s funny do you? Well I’ll be honest with you sweetheart I think it is, what if everything that you thought you knew was all lame lies that were passed down from generation to generation. Everyone is going in one direction, and many are running in that same direction but the question I want to ask everyone is “Who are You?”, where are you going? How do you perceive life? Are the ideologies your carrying around yours, or are they perceptions that have been spewed upon you? I find a lot of people so disconnected with what’s going on around us, a lot of people are more worried about a JOB, CAR, CLUB, and (insert lame thing here).
I feel that we limit The Most High God to a human statue, and I find that this is very ridiculous on our part. I try to talk to people, but is it just me or is the people getting more, and more vague? I mean have you talked to the people nowadays? The conversations are missing something people are lacking a soul connection to the Creator, if you ask me then again you probably wouldn’t ask me you would probably just pull out your phone and ask Google. A lot of things don’t matter anymore, everything that was presented to me bores me working a 9 to 5 terrifies me and being around people who aren’t like- mindedhorrifies me.
You should understand that The Most High didn’t intend for us to become, mindless zombies running like machines for these jobs that don’t even provide us with spiritual nourishment. By the time we get off from work we don’t even have time for Yahweh let alone our families. Isn’t life made for us to live, and to enjoy? Those people who proclaim that they are mad at El Shaddai, are they really mad at Him or the way the system is set up? Are they mad at Christ or the luciferian agenda that is plaguing mankind?
Well…. it’s not up to me to try to figure people out. I’m actually on a journey to discover who Yahweh created me to be. Thank you for reading please know that Christ loves us very much, and He loves us more than our brains can actually comprehend. Maybe you should discover who He made you to be, and not who “they” told you to be. Or maybe I’m full of it like the “they” I speak of.
Much Love Always, Dan “Discovering Myself” Yah (Danyah ♥)
I grew up in an abusive household so I don’t trust easily. I learned early on that many people aren’t who they claim to be, and many aren’t to be trusted. I look back on my life and I believe that The Most High wanted me to have the trials I endured so that from my experiences I can really reach for Him amongst the lies that this world dished out at me. The hurts I have experienced have not only made me stronger, but also wiser it has strengthen my moral and made me understand that not everyone who claims to love Yahweh really loves Him many people only love themselves, and they are very selfish. They look at your kindness as weakness, like vultures circling a dying animal in the wilderness.
I have recently come to terms with the fact that 85% of the people in this world are full of it they speak with double tongues, and they blend the holy and the unholy together all while having their hearts far from The Most High Yahweh. I trust NO ONE, many people don’t even know who they are they just go by what society tells them. A lot of these people don’t know El Shaddai, nor do they want to know Him many people claim they love him with their mouths but their hearts are extremely far from Him. They actually hate Him, they tear apart His words and worship other gods they support pagan customs and they love bathing in their ignorance.
I am starting to realize that many people are simple minded and they look to Christ as a last resort sort of like a “in case of a emergency” type of deal, rather than Christ loves me so much He died for me so let me live my life in a way that honors Him. 85% of the people rather worship idols, and turn to demons to get a quick fix happy meal rather than seeking the Most High to understand their calling and purpose here on Earth. Whether you like to believe it or not you aren’t here to worship yourself, and your life shouldn’t be fixated on selfish desires.
Coming to terms with the toxic childhood has made me equip with some of the greatest tools in being able to detect deception, and falsehood. Every now and again life throws me a whammy, but this is when I go to my Creator Yahweh, and I ask Him to refine me to change my thinking so that I can keep walking on this narrow path to Him despite the evilness I see people doing, and the blasphemy I hear them saying. I choose to not trust anything at face value, we as followers of Christ must guard not only our light, but also our truth. We must test the spirits to see if they are from Yahweh.
I’m wandering, but I’m not lost. I just choose to trust in Yahweh to guide me in all truth amongst the treachery. I thank you Yahweh Ben Yahweh for the sacrifice you have done for me, thank You for shedding Your blood for me. Thank You for making a way for me to connect to You. Its been a long time since I posted I just been busy, soaking in new revelation that Yahweh is giving me.
I’ll be honest with you all here, I used to think that The Most High would hate me if I didn’t talk to my abusive mother. Because in a lot of ways I thought that mother was right all the time so surely The Most High was on her side, but alas evil has it way of manipulating those who are vulnerable, and ignorant to its devices. Growing up in this sinister environment I start getting molded from a early age to accept evil, and that the ambiguous behavior that was occurring from my abuser was normal and if I questioned it I was not only going against my abusive mother but initially God Himself.
What’s actually dishonoring a parent? Dishonoring a parent to me is simply bad mouthing them to people, calling them out their name to people. Plotting evil on them and telling people how you wish to do them in wishing death on them. Dishonoring a parent isn’t when you stop associating with them it just simply means you acknowledge them for who they are. The Most High God Yahweh gives everyone free will to do what they want, and to be who THEY want to be. Honestly it isn’t your job to change anybody the only one you can actually change is yourself, and the only one who can change anybody is Yahweh but that is only if the participate wants change themselves.Normally narcs don’t want change, nor do they desire to seek change because they feel that they are right and that they have authority to behave the way they deem fit. In such cases we call people like these reprobates the Bible even tells us so.
Let me tell you one thing that I learned on my path of healing with The Most High your giving the negativity of your relationship with your narcissist energy when you bad mouth them or express how much you dislike them. That’s how demonic beings thrive and profit off you that’s how they drain your energy. I used to live in a cycle of hurt, regret, and shame until I actually got older, and I went no contact then I started to form my own relationship with The Most High.
I had to choose on that very day that I went no contact did I want to worship The Most High Yahweh, or did I want to worship my abusive controlling narcissistic mother? The Most High told me in order for us to have a successful intimate relationship I had to let my entire family go, because with them under the control of my abusive mother I would never have spiritual growth. Instead of being able to get closer to The Most High and the revelations that He provided they would be damaged by my family who claimed to know The Most High ,and worship Him but in actuality they were worshipping my narcissistic mother. My mother never loved Yahweh she didn’t even know Him or care to have a relationship with Him, she just always cherry picked that scripture about “Honor thy Mother and Father so your days can be long on this earth” so that she could make it look like The Most High was on her side while she abused me. I feel like that was a tactic used by the devil to make me turn my back on God, and to never actually pursue a relationship with Him, but as we can see it didn’t work.
I honor my abuser my accepting her for who she is I am not expecting change from her. I accept that the projections that were placed on me weren’t part of what lurked inside of me but actually my mother. My mother is sick, and she has issues my whole family all my siblings each have their own battles they are facing but they are keeping up the false façade that everything is normal. They forsaken me, and The Most High took me in they abandoned me and He accepted me into His home.
If you don’t feel at peace about it in your spirit then its not from The Most High Yahweh, if you are around someone and they make you feel uncomfortable or they are always making you feel unimportant. If they are always talking down to you, or they look at you will evil intent, cut these people off I had to cut my entire family off because I didn’t want to keep up the generational curse I wanted to destroy them. Do I regret it? No and neither will you. I pray someone gets edification from this post.
It finally set in, they don’t know me; they don’t know us victims of narcissistic abuse normally walk around with a rain cloud over their heads. They live life like an ostrich with its head in the sand (they ignore and hide from obvious signs of danger small or large). Like oil sticks to your hands even after you wash them over and over again, so does the wounds from abuse they prick your heart like a thorn on a rose, and it damages you the same it damages spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Victims are normally plagued by these demons long after the abuse has stopped(or they went No Contact with no closure) they often detach from their surroundings, and more than often they feel like they can’t tell their closest friends,spouses(or anybody) about the symptoms that has plagued their thought processes throughout the years even if the abuse is long over.
But I’m assuming your asking yourself (I thought she was talking about her changing her number, or didn’t she say she was telling us why she changed her damn cellphone number?) Let me reiterate, they don’tknow me, theynever knew me, and they don’t deserve to get the chance toknow me one thing the Most High Yah help me realize on my healing journey that He so mercifully sent me on is my abusers/enablers/flying monkeys/abuser supporters don’t know me(the real Dee). They also don’t know you, just sit down for a moment and think about it they only know a false image projected onto you, it’s funny now that I think about it. I told my FM sister (three years before I finally got fed with the Narc family structure) that she didn’t know me… she kept implying, insisting, and ranting that she did all the while she had a glazed, dazed, and confused look on her face. A couple of things that the Lord has put in my spirit is “Just because you grow up in the same household as these people doesn’t mean that they know you they would like to THINK they know you.“
When the stark reality hits you that you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, or any type of abuse in reality you shouldn’t be sad, hurt, or angry. He said “Rejoice!” Rejoice because your abusers knew, and seen you were strongest out the bunch not led captive by their web of deceit they seen you as the one who could break their mirror of deception, and fight the lies that they want to imprint in your mind and spirit. Not being casted into a spell of wickedness, but rather escape to walk onto that narrow path of RIGHTEOUSNESS. He whispered into my heart (my mind my spirit)”They seen the purity in your soul Dee, the unquenchable zeal in your eyes Dee, and they heard the courage beating from your pure heart”. Your abusers are so envious that they couldn’t obtain the very traits that the Most High blessed you with from birth, they couldn’t rob you of it, so they wanted to blind you of it. Luckily, the Most High shall exalt us above our abuse.
Stay Humble, Be healed, ACCEPT His Happiness! Because Yahweh Shammah cares for us!
-Glory be to God
I changed my number, because I’m tired of the lies they tell me, I’m tired of pretending everything is okay, and they didn’t hurt me. I’m tired of seeing blocked calls come up from abusers, and enablers who just want to barge into my life to control it and to patronize me. I’m SICK of seeing fake text messages as if they really care about me. It wont ever be the same, and oddly enough they know that, but I don’t give a damn if they DO OR DON’T because I know it wont be the same I’m not the same person anymore. The same little girl who accepted abuse, and pushed her own feelings,and emotions into a garbage can. Now I’m child of the Most High, a wife, and a mother how did the Lord change my thought process you may wonder? He helped me understand that all they want to do is STEAL from us, STEAL our happiness, STEAL our healing, STEAL our families that the Most High gave us. They want to KILL the new man, and bring back the old one who tolerated their abuse. But isn’t there a scripture for this scenario?…….
Thank you so much for reading my blog, May the Most High bless you on your path to healing, and recovery. Be Blessed. Until we talk again next time.