I ran across a Chinese proverb it said,” After all, harming others means you first harm yourself”, when I read this it struck a cord with me because I am a vict(or)im of abuse. I am going on three years no contact with my family, and at this point in my journey I am on a path of understanding, and discarding all the negative memories that are embedded into me. Some days are okay, but a lot of days are great they are great because I am discovering the person I was before the abuse began. If you ever met anyone who was open enough to tell you about their abusive childhood they will tell you that the abused robbed them physically, mentally, emotional, and SPIRITUALLY.
My purpose wasn’t made clear to me. My abuser didn’t have a purpose that she was aware of hell, it was stripped from her so why not strip it from someone who isn’t capable to perceive what was actually going on around them? Make your victim a dumping ground for all the anger that you refuse to acknowledge is there also make them the main source of supply, because instead of getting proper healing they will instead choose to pass the baton of wickedness known as abuse. She robbed me of years but going no contact helped me see how toxic my mother was, and how demonically controlled my family is and how she really berated me to the point that I lost sight of who I was before I even became whole.
It takes some victims of abuse years before they see the light at the end of the tunnel, and decades before they leave the tunnel. I didn’t start healing until I left completely and many victims never see results in healing until they leave the toxic situations. Some days I feel lost, and other days I feel strong one thing I have learned on this path of healing is you shouldn’t judge yourself based off of how your abuser treated you. Your not dumb, your not stupid, your not evil but you were abused and it’s not your fault you won’t be held accountable for what your abuser did to you but you will be held accountable for how you let it make you. For the longest time after I stopped associating myself with my family I was bitter, I felt lost it wasn’t until I actually separated the abused me from the real me that I seen that I am loved, I am wanted, and I am adored. I didn’t need my mothers approval because she didn’t even know how to approve herself the only approval that I need to obtain is Yahweh The Most High God.
You are a survivor of abuse. You will be a conqueror of abuse. I choose to let my past strengthen me. I choose not to let the abuse that I suffered in my childhood change me as a person. I will still love. I will still encourage. I will still push forward. I will still reach for The Most High Yahweh. And I will still receive the healing that Christ gives me. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. 1 John 4:4
Disclamer: The topics I expressed in this article are based off of my experiences, and my journey to healing I am in no way, shape, or form insinuating that ALLblack women are like this.!
Growing up in my childhood home my mother ran it with an iron fist, in my community(black) I noticed there are a lot of overdramatic black women who don’t understand how to voice themselves in a civilized manner. It’s like a rage consumes them, a rage that is bottled up inside of them waiting to escape out seeking to attack anyone it deems fit. Many (not all) black women I have encountered throughout the years were materialistic, moody, and at times they would come across as unstable and petty. There are so many people in my culture walking around with unchecked spiritual, emotional,and mental issues that it isn’t even funny if anything it’s quite conspicuous. Many of these issues occur in childhood they are the results of many women experiencing abuse, rape/molestation, and just being in a broken home with their mother as the stereotypical “Strong Black Woman” as the head of the household, and when I say broken I mean the domineering matriarch has also broken down, and destroyed any barriers for any healthy male contact in the family.
During our childhoods its a tender time for spiritual,and behavioral disorders to form and take root resulting in many women who come from this type of toxic background to become broken before they are even old enough to perceive what healthy, and normal relationships are. They don’t know how to love, let alone even love themselves resulting in many of these women trying to find an outlet from the pain they experienced in these traumatizing households. They feel a range of emotions that they feel scared to express to anyone out of fear of being ostracized or being deemed as “crazy” many turn to substance abuse just to cope with the burdens they carry. Most certainly, the black narc mother was scarred and done wrong throughout her life so now she lives life in a perpetual state of “I have to get them, before the get me” mentality. That goes for anybody,and EVERYBODY the toxicity spreads like a raging forest fire looking to consume anything that’s in it’s path,but more than often this fire(rage) is aimed at her daughter(s). With her sons she puts them on a pedestal resulting in him becoming her “son-husband” (YIKES!!!), she doesn’t want her daughters being better than her, and any ambitions or dreams the daughter(s) may express that she wants to do the maternal narcissist quickly shoots them down. The daughter can NEVER EVER show signs thats shes more articulate, smarter, or confident than the black maternal narc mother.
She acts as if she doesn’t like her daughters, all while making sure they maintain a fear in them so that they revere her and they DON’T cross her role as “queen” or as I would like to call it matriach.Whenever their daughters do make accomplishments they mock them, or try to downplay them using competative tactics to ensure that the daughter knows that they are the“Big Kahuna on the beach“. They covertly despise their daughters showing any ounce of independance because they fear that their child will leave their toxic nest never to return again(I did and many others are waking up and leaving also). Many of these women are jealous, and envious of the daughter’s relationship with their father(happened to me) they will also go as far as to accuse the father of the things that they themselves are doing. They use manipulative techniques to turn the daughter against her father resulting in her not being able to trust men, or to be to have a healthy relationship with one. Many black women from this type of background are victimized by their own mothers spiritually,mentally,and emotionally.
The abuse doesn’t stop when your older instead it only escalates, the maternal narc will always see you as a child(even if your married with children of your own)she will even try to control your household, and dominate your family. Many siblings from this environment normally are under her spell, the community is involved in this whimsical of dysfunctional nonsense the household puts the black maternal narcissist on a high horse so to speak. They rather appease the queen than be at the end of her abusive rages, that not only destroy her victims on the outside but on the inside as well. She runs her household with an excessive amount of pride, and intemperance always letting her children and spouse(if she has one, or an trap one) about her countless achievements, and how strong she is despite the many “battles” she has faced. The black maternal narcissist also doesn’t know how to raise her daughter(s) how to be a respectful, submissive, and loving wife who is supposed love and revere her husband running her household with a dignity and moral conduct surrounding God’s principles(Proverbs 31). Instead when her daughters marry, she will try to win over her daughters husband, or try to turn her daughters husband against her.
She may even try to make herself seem more alluring, and pleasing to her daughter’s husband in an attempt to sabotage her daughters marriage because in her mind her daughters husband is a better man than she has or could ever obtain. Normally in this setting, the black maternal narcissist loves to attack, and when you push back you are deemed as “crazy“ or a “problem child“ she loves to play victim to outsiders always griping about problems that in reality she actually causes. Many black women raised by these type of women are brainwashed into believing “That’s just how momma is”, or the famous”You only get one mother” line. Many black women from this end of the spectrum dont want to own up to the fact, or admit that they are being bullied, victimized, andABUSED by their own MOTHERS resulting in them having severe emotional, and mental issues. Resulting in them dieing spiritually, these are generational curses that must be BROKENthe first thing you must do is go no contact then you can see the light of the Most High at the end of the tunnel. Many black women unfortunately, stay in this toxic dynamic with their mother because it gives them a “emotional high” (relationships like these are highly addictive). Resulting in the daughters having a fixation on negativity, and drama in other relationships causing them to display inadequate disposition’s of emotions. What’s the moral of the story?
The Black Maternal Narc is not something that should NOT be normalized in our culture(or even in society sadly it is)it’s something that should be looked at as it is NARCISSISM(JEZEBEL). No one wants to analyze it, or admit that their mother is a monster, but sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction this is an epademic that is quickly being shoved(not pushed) under the rug. Better yet, you shall know the TRUTH and the TRUTH shall set you FREE.!
Thank you so much for reading my post! have a beautiful day !! 🌈
Until next time on “Talks with DanYah” Ciao ❤
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