I ran across a Chinese proverb it said,” After all, harming others means you first harm yourself”, when I read this it struck a cord with me because I am a vict(or)im of abuse. I am going on three years no contact with my family, and at this point in my journey I am on a path of understanding, and discarding all the negative memories that are embedded into me. Some days are okay, but a lot of days are great they are great because I am discovering the person I was before the abuse began. If you ever met anyone who was open enough to tell you about their abusive childhood they will tell you that the abused robbed them physically, mentally, emotional, and SPIRITUALLY.
My purpose wasn’t made clear to me. My abuser didn’t have a purpose that she was aware of hell, it was stripped from her so why not strip it from someone who isn’t capable to perceive what was actually going on around them? Make your victim a dumping ground for all the anger that you refuse to acknowledge is there also make them the main source of supply, because instead of getting proper healing they will instead choose to pass the baton of wickedness known as abuse. She robbed me of years but going no contact helped me see how toxic my mother was, and how demonically controlled my family is and how she really berated me to the point that I lost sight of who I was before I even became whole.
It takes some victims of abuse years before they see the light at the end of the tunnel, and decades before they leave the tunnel. I didn’t start healing until I left completely and many victims never see results in healing until they leave the toxic situations. Some days I feel lost, and other days I feel strong one thing I have learned on this path of healing is you shouldn’t judge yourself based off of how your abuser treated you. Your not dumb, your not stupid, your not evil but you were abused and it’s not your fault you won’t be held accountable for what your abuser did to you but you will be held accountable for how you let it make you. For the longest time after I stopped associating myself with my family I was bitter, I felt lost it wasn’t until I actually separated the abused me from the real me that I seen that I am loved, I am wanted, and I am adored. I didn’t need my mothers approval because she didn’t even know how to approve herself the only approval that I need to obtain is Yahweh The Most High God.
You are a survivor of abuse. You will be a conqueror of abuse. I choose to let my past strengthen me. I choose not to let the abuse that I suffered in my childhood change me as a person. I will still love. I will still encourage. I will still push forward. I will still reach for The Most High Yahweh. And I will still receive the healing that Christ gives me. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. 1 John 4:4
Growing up in this type of household the child that experiences this type of abuse never feels good enough no matter what they do, no matter what achievements sit on their mantle. When you go around your narcissistic parent you are never comfortable you will always feel as though you are walking on eggshells, you also feel as though you are on a witness stand and everything you say is constantly being examined. Normally children who come from this setting always feel that they need their mother(or fathers) approval(if they go no contact they can turn into people pleasers, or they are always looking for attention from their spouse, friends, or even in the work environment). They need constant validation from their surroundings and if the person does not get it they slowly sink into a feeling of isolation, and emotional abandonment with a extreme backlash of social anxiety.
Victims of abuse always feel the need to over appreciate things that people may do for them the victim always has an urge to over apologize if they make a simple mistake because the narc has programmed their victim to take blame for problems that the narcissist actually caused (in steps scapegoat). The victim also has the tendency to place people on a remarkably high pedestal and when people tend to let them down(as humans do because alas we are only human) the victim can shift into a self analytical picking at their flaws, and blaming themselves for the fickle behavior that the other party displayed. They have strong trust issues, and they tend to not show their true self to others out of fear of being ridiculed, and rejected they have learned not to tell others about their abuse because the abuser gets defended as being a caring parent, and the victim as an ungrateful child who should just,” bury the hatchet, or your being overdramatic”.
The narcissist rewrites old memories always making you out to be the bad guy all the while minimizing their involvement, and their actions to make you feel sorry for the things the narc actually inherently did wrong(shifting blame to an innocent victim). The narc may broadcast how good he/she is a person to outsiders, and puts on a grandiose behavior on how much she/he helps people. Strangely enough when you call the narc for help they twist it around to make you feel worthless, and like an extreme burden of a failure the narc from this type of family dynamic always makes you feel guilty when your around them(like I said before about old memories). These evil people have a way of pulling a story back from 10 years ago to throw it in your face(my mother would tell me how when I was in her womb I didn’t move and when I came out my eyes were red so I was evil). They make you feel guilty for being you, and not thinking like them or agreeing to their dictative structures the victim typically rebels at a early age because they can sense the sinister energy from the abuser. The victim heart beats extremely fast when the narc’s name appears on their caller ID unsure of how the narc will approach them in conversation.
The narc loves to remind you that you will always “need” them (they will push the scripture, “Honor thy Mother and Father”) all the while they act in a dishonorable way inducing fear, and turmoil in the victims life forcing them without a shadow of doubt to feel as though they do not belong causing them to question The Most High, and also their morality because of the abuse that happens in this toxic environment. Victims when they grow older, and start to live, and work in the world can’t accept corrective criticism (even if it comes from a loving source) they typically develop severe anxiety and they shut down because all they can hear is the abuser yelling, and belittling them. The abuser normally calls the truthteller(scapegoat) crazy they systematically over the years program everyone in the family to see the truthteller(scapegoat) as nothing more than a crazy, downtrodden psychopath they do this to the point that they make the victim question their own mind. The abuser is crafty in doing this type of warfare because it breaks down the victim they see as a “problem” because they know that with this child there is a risk of exposure to the abuse that they administer.
Is there hope? The only hope that a victim that suffers from this traumatic abuse has is to go NO CONTACT once the abused leave this toxic environment they will then gain clarity once they research, and venture out they will start to understand slowly and surely that the abuser has, and will always be the PROBLEM! Save yourself many years of pain, and TROUBLE by DETOXING FROM ABUSE TODAY! May the Most High Yahweh Heal your heart on this path of healing like He is doing mines. Have a Blessed Detox, and always remember treat yourself good because no one else will(well Christ will) ❤ Adieu 💚
Stay Blessed, Stay Strong Hope Filled && Yah Willed Until Next time on “Talks with Danyah”🕊️🌸
Growing up in my childhood home I always felt a sense of emptiness that still creeps up every now and again just to make me feel a little if not a lot of insecurity. I never was shown genuine love, and now as a woman in my mid 20’s I feel awkward when people display acts of kindness for me, or even when they show how much they appreciate and love me. A abuse victim normally goes through this cycle in their life sometimes they feel so paranoid that everyone is just like their abuser, aiming to steal, kill ,and destroy you with every move they make. Its not hard for me to accept that with the way I was raised it became evident to me that it was hard for me to distinguish good from bad, light from darkness, and sweet from bitter.
Im starting to learn on my healing path with Christ that we as individuals seem to only accept the love that we think we deserve not the love we should have, not only love but thoughts and people we surround ourselves with. I’ve learned that how we treat each other reflects how The Most High will treat us because as His word says you “Reap what you sow” love and kindness does get you far not only with people, but with the Creator Himself. If you treat people with loyalty, and respect it will in turn be handed back to you, if you spread out positivity, and love you will also get it back. As people we tend to attract what we are so ask yourself “What am I attracting to myself, or what do I think I deserve in my life?”
It’s funny because I get called sensitive a lot, and people think that I take small things to heart too much, but honestly I’m just in tune to my feelings I’m aware of who I am as a person. That I wont be tied down by abuse anymore, and that I don’t have to accept being mistreated by anyone,and if something hurts or if I’m hurting I will make it known because in this day and age many people are so disconnected from their true selves that they don’t even know who they are. I aim to look at the power in my pain, and to rely on the Lord for my strength because whether any man wants to admit it or not Yahweh is The One who keeps this whole place running, and if He be for me who can be against me?
His word tells me” He will never leave me, nor forsake me“, and I believe them desperately I wont lie to you not even to Him sometimes my past hurts me sometimes I still feel like that little abused girl whose looking for her mother to approve of her, but instead all I’m left with is a woman who was left broken by her abusive mother who was also broken. A woman who will patiently wait for the Lord to deliver her, and to redeem her from her struggles that plague her day to day. I decided that I wont go back because now I’m old enough to stand for what’s true and genuine I used to let my past influence how I treated others, but why be bitter? People often don’t understand me, but that’s okay I’ve learned to do the one thing that most, and many people never learn to do and that is acceptance of self. I accept the way I look, talk, walk, and feel I know that The Most High created us all differently and that’s the most amazing and beautiful thing about being human.
That’s the main reason I treat everyone with sweetness because so many people choose bitterness not because that’s what they want, but because that’s all they were ever shown. So I as a conscious human make the choice to be kind even when bitterness is placed in my path because in doing so I reap the rewards of an eternal Yahweh that is always present, and is always looking out to reward His children not only with gifts but love also. I’m just hoping that the human reading my post also chooses sweetness because it only takes a second to make someone smile, and kindness is a drug worth sharing. Thanks for reading I hope you received edification from this today. Do you agree or disagree? Let me know 🙏🏾💝
Thank You for reading my blog post! Please remember to love yourself because The Most High Loves you. Have a blessed day!!💝
I’ll be honest with you all here, I used to think that The Most High would hate me if I didn’t talk to my abusive mother. Because in a lot of ways I thought that mother was right all the time so surely The Most High was on her side, but alas evil has it way of manipulating those who are vulnerable, and ignorant to its devices. Growing up in this sinister environment I start getting molded from a early age to accept evil, and that the ambiguous behavior that was occurring from my abuser was normal and if I questioned it I was not only going against my abusive mother but initially God Himself.
What’s actually dishonoring a parent? Dishonoring a parent to me is simply bad mouthing them to people, calling them out their name to people. Plotting evil on them and telling people how you wish to do them in wishing death on them. Dishonoring a parent isn’t when you stop associating with them it just simply means you acknowledge them for who they are. The Most High God Yahweh gives everyone free will to do what they want, and to be who THEY want to be. Honestly it isn’t your job to change anybody the only one you can actually change is yourself, and the only one who can change anybody is Yahweh but that is only if the participate wants change themselves.Normally narcs don’t want change, nor do they desire to seek change because they feel that they are right and that they have authority to behave the way they deem fit. In such cases we call people like these reprobates the Bible even tells us so.
Let me tell you one thing that I learned on my path of healing with The Most High your giving the negativity of your relationship with your narcissist energy when you bad mouth them or express how much you dislike them. That’s how demonic beings thrive and profit off you that’s how they drain your energy. I used to live in a cycle of hurt, regret, and shame until I actually got older, and I went no contact then I started to form my own relationship with The Most High.
I had to choose on that very day that I went no contact did I want to worship The Most High Yahweh, or did I want to worship my abusive controlling narcissistic mother? The Most High told me in order for us to have a successful intimate relationship I had to let my entire family go, because with them under the control of my abusive mother I would never have spiritual growth. Instead of being able to get closer to The Most High and the revelations that He provided they would be damaged by my family who claimed to know The Most High ,and worship Him but in actuality they were worshipping my narcissistic mother. My mother never loved Yahweh she didn’t even know Him or care to have a relationship with Him, she just always cherry picked that scripture about “Honor thy Mother and Father so your days can be long on this earth” so that she could make it look like The Most High was on her side while she abused me. I feel like that was a tactic used by the devil to make me turn my back on God, and to never actually pursue a relationship with Him, but as we can see it didn’t work.
I honor my abuser my accepting her for who she is I am not expecting change from her. I accept that the projections that were placed on me weren’t part of what lurked inside of me but actually my mother. My mother is sick, and she has issues my whole family all my siblings each have their own battles they are facing but they are keeping up the false façade that everything is normal. They forsaken me, and The Most High took me in they abandoned me and He accepted me into His home.
If you don’t feel at peace about it in your spirit then its not from The Most High Yahweh, if you are around someone and they make you feel uncomfortable or they are always making you feel unimportant. If they are always talking down to you, or they look at you will evil intent, cut these people off I had to cut my entire family off because I didn’t want to keep up the generational curse I wanted to destroy them. Do I regret it? No and neither will you. I pray someone gets edification from this post.
Okay!! I admit it I havetrust issuesI lack confidence, I’m a very self-conscious person I overthink I feel ugly sometimes, and lately I feel as though I’m a alien that came from a different planet and I was left here or maybe the mothership has forgotten me? I don’t trust easily, nor do I believe ANYTHING anyone tells me I had to learn the hard way that actions speak louder than words, that simple “I love you’s” or “I had to do it for your own good”, were all just words used to cover up someone else’s wrong doing to put a lid on someone else’s evil conduct. They were used because a abuser didn’t want to do self-analyzation they instead chose to project their faults, and evils on an innocent child who couldn’t even comprehend the toxic environment that was brewing, and bubbling around them.
No one told me this instead the Most High showed me this the world can be cold, and cruel but it’s also up to you to not allow negativity, and bitterness to rule over your mind and captivate your spirit leaving you in bondage. This allows your environment to become a breeding ground for darkness I think as mortals we try to be our own god, that’s why so many people seek to control others the reason why we hear so many stories of children getting abused, and mistreated. And if you talk to these children once they become adults they will tell you that their abuser was also mistreated and abused the cycle goes on, and on and on (we call this generational curses).
Yeah! I have had trust issues, and sometimes I shy away from Yahweh but one thing is for certain I wouldnt blame Him for no wrongdoings that occured to me. If anything the wrongdoings that occured to me only made me seek Him harder, from this day forward I Danyah choose Yahweh, I choose Christ, I choose happiness over hopelessness. I choose everyday to praise and to serve the God of Israel, I choose to NOT be a prisoner to the past instead I choose to open my heart up to the Most High so He can provide the best healing for me. He can renew my soul, and refine my mind, Lord if Your reading this I choose to let go of my trust issues, and to trust in You. I want to experience Your love in ways thats unforgettable so I can love others, and tell others. So be it🌼.
I thank Yahweh for Yahweh! And Yahweh He’s in control of everything that’s around us and He sees all and He knows ALL.
My siblings let me get beat looking back I’m not surprised honestly we all got beat but I feel, and know that I got the worst of it. The most my siblings ever did was capitalize off my punishment, by adding their own twisted pacification to the abuse that occurred from our narc mother. Like all debased narc families this is the reality of the scapegoated child it wasn’t until I went no contact that all the memories came rushing like a flood gate. Growing up my mother would beat into my head that I was evil, unworthy, and designed for destruction. It’s funny how the narc can make you feel so broken when in reality they hate you because of the purity your souls radiates, there are too many incidents to recall with my narc mother and may of these incidents are looked at as “normal” not only in society but also in my culture. The one incident that will forever stick with me is the one that started the breaking process it progressed into me becoming a rattled child, and a disgruntled young adult always looking for a way to fill the whole in my soul and to put out the fiery pain I felt.
Being in a narcassitic family does that to you whether your a scapegoat(like me), a golden child or a lost child abuse hits us all the same way we all grow up feeling a loss of something that your narc either stole from us or have guilt they purposely placed there that was really something they owned. it breaks an individual down to nothing.So what must one do? Turn to the Most High because as His word says”Psalms 27:10- When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up” The Lord is so merciful that he even states that, “As I was with Moses, so will I be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. (Joshua 1:5)
The Most High promises that He will never leave us nor FORSAKEN us, but unfortunately in the situation of a narcissistic family they forsake you, and leave you destroyed spiritually, mentally, and emotionally all the while disguising their abuse as love or something that they try to convey as normalcy. Now does The Most High really want us to be around abusers and tormentors it doesn’t make sense, why would The Most High want us to deal with something that contradicts His word? Honestly it never made sense to me when my mother would tell me “You only get one momma, and baby your gonna always need your momma“ , all the while with every beating she placed on me it felt like she was aiming to destroy my morality. It also shouldn’t make sense to you because growing up in these types of settings can make an individual feel devalued and belittled, so as the word says (“For what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness”– 2 Corinthians 6:14)
If you have a toxic family, or even if your in a toxic relationship ask yourself this ” Should I let this person invade my spirit, should I let them drain me of my energy? Am I even comfortable around this person or these people? Is this environment taking more out of me than it’s giving me?”. Be honest with yourselves search deep within yourself, as I know from personal experience it will NEVER CHANGE, and sadly over the years the abuse just gets more destructive, and disastrous. The only one you can change in this type of situation is yourself, and you can’t do it alone you need the healing, and help that the good Lord Himself provides because He doesn’t ask for much in return.
Sadly the wounds that are left from abuse only get bigger if you don’t leave these people out of your life I mean seriously the Lord loves His children to much to let us get abused continually (even in our adult years). These toxic people aren’t even walking in the light they don’t even have the love of the Father in their hearts they hate truth, and they also hate that which is GOOD. That’s the abusers aim to get you off track and to have you thinking your crazy all the while, they manipulate and exploit their victims leaving them confused and filled with self-doubt, and zero confidence. They steal your spiritual worth all while laughing all the way to the bank, don’t go spiritual bankrupt call on the name of The Lord, and you shall be saved He can and will heal you from the wounds and pain of the abuse.
Disclamer: The topics I expressed in this article are based off of my experiences, and my journey to healing I am in no way, shape, or form insinuating that ALLblack women are like this.!
Growing up in my childhood home my mother ran it with an iron fist, in my community(black) I noticed there are a lot of overdramatic black women who don’t understand how to voice themselves in a civilized manner. It’s like a rage consumes them, a rage that is bottled up inside of them waiting to escape out seeking to attack anyone it deems fit. Many (not all) black women I have encountered throughout the years were materialistic, moody, and at times they would come across as unstable and petty. There are so many people in my culture walking around with unchecked spiritual, emotional,and mental issues that it isn’t even funny if anything it’s quite conspicuous. Many of these issues occur in childhood they are the results of many women experiencing abuse, rape/molestation, and just being in a broken home with their mother as the stereotypical “Strong Black Woman” as the head of the household, and when I say broken I mean the domineering matriarch has also broken down, and destroyed any barriers for any healthy male contact in the family.
During our childhoods its a tender time for spiritual,and behavioral disorders to form and take root resulting in many women who come from this type of toxic background to become broken before they are even old enough to perceive what healthy, and normal relationships are. They don’t know how to love, let alone even love themselves resulting in many of these women trying to find an outlet from the pain they experienced in these traumatizing households. They feel a range of emotions that they feel scared to express to anyone out of fear of being ostracized or being deemed as “crazy” many turn to substance abuse just to cope with the burdens they carry. Most certainly, the black narc mother was scarred and done wrong throughout her life so now she lives life in a perpetual state of “I have to get them, before the get me” mentality. That goes for anybody,and EVERYBODY the toxicity spreads like a raging forest fire looking to consume anything that’s in it’s path,but more than often this fire(rage) is aimed at her daughter(s). With her sons she puts them on a pedestal resulting in him becoming her “son-husband” (YIKES!!!), she doesn’t want her daughters being better than her, and any ambitions or dreams the daughter(s) may express that she wants to do the maternal narcissist quickly shoots them down. The daughter can NEVER EVER show signs thats shes more articulate, smarter, or confident than the black maternal narc mother.
She acts as if she doesn’t like her daughters, all while making sure they maintain a fear in them so that they revere her and they DON’T cross her role as “queen” or as I would like to call it matriach.Whenever their daughters do make accomplishments they mock them, or try to downplay them using competative tactics to ensure that the daughter knows that they are the“Big Kahuna on the beach“. They covertly despise their daughters showing any ounce of independance because they fear that their child will leave their toxic nest never to return again(I did and many others are waking up and leaving also). Many of these women are jealous, and envious of the daughter’s relationship with their father(happened to me) they will also go as far as to accuse the father of the things that they themselves are doing. They use manipulative techniques to turn the daughter against her father resulting in her not being able to trust men, or to be to have a healthy relationship with one. Many black women from this type of background are victimized by their own mothers spiritually,mentally,and emotionally.
The abuse doesn’t stop when your older instead it only escalates, the maternal narc will always see you as a child(even if your married with children of your own)she will even try to control your household, and dominate your family. Many siblings from this environment normally are under her spell, the community is involved in this whimsical of dysfunctional nonsense the household puts the black maternal narcissist on a high horse so to speak. They rather appease the queen than be at the end of her abusive rages, that not only destroy her victims on the outside but on the inside as well. She runs her household with an excessive amount of pride, and intemperance always letting her children and spouse(if she has one, or an trap one) about her countless achievements, and how strong she is despite the many “battles” she has faced. The black maternal narcissist also doesn’t know how to raise her daughter(s) how to be a respectful, submissive, and loving wife who is supposed love and revere her husband running her household with a dignity and moral conduct surrounding God’s principles(Proverbs 31). Instead when her daughters marry, she will try to win over her daughters husband, or try to turn her daughters husband against her.
She may even try to make herself seem more alluring, and pleasing to her daughter’s husband in an attempt to sabotage her daughters marriage because in her mind her daughters husband is a better man than she has or could ever obtain. Normally in this setting, the black maternal narcissist loves to attack, and when you push back you are deemed as “crazy“ or a “problem child“ she loves to play victim to outsiders always griping about problems that in reality she actually causes. Many black women raised by these type of women are brainwashed into believing “That’s just how momma is”, or the famous”You only get one mother” line. Many black women from this end of the spectrum dont want to own up to the fact, or admit that they are being bullied, victimized, andABUSED by their own MOTHERS resulting in them having severe emotional, and mental issues. Resulting in them dieing spiritually, these are generational curses that must be BROKENthe first thing you must do is go no contact then you can see the light of the Most High at the end of the tunnel. Many black women unfortunately, stay in this toxic dynamic with their mother because it gives them a “emotional high” (relationships like these are highly addictive). Resulting in the daughters having a fixation on negativity, and drama in other relationships causing them to display inadequate disposition’s of emotions. What’s the moral of the story?
The Black Maternal Narc is not something that should NOT be normalized in our culture(or even in society sadly it is)it’s something that should be looked at as it is NARCISSISM(JEZEBEL). No one wants to analyze it, or admit that their mother is a monster, but sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction this is an epademic that is quickly being shoved(not pushed) under the rug. Better yet, you shall know the TRUTH and the TRUTH shall set you FREE.!
Thank you so much for reading my post! have a beautiful day !! 🌈
Until next time on “Talks with DanYah” Ciao ❤
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