This Spring made three years of me going no contact with my family that includes everyone in my family I remember that day in Spring in 2017 I had just gotten out of a psych ward (that my mother helped put me in) when we returned home my husband and I had no money, and little food I also lost my job during this time. I was left dealing with pieces of my broken, and unstable spirit I felt betrayed, alone, and unloved on many levels I also got the answer to the question that often plagued my mind my whole childhood “Does my mother love me?” I knew after this experience that if she didn’t truly hate me she sure acted the part that’s when reality sinked in.
Before going no contact I was on a roller-coaster trying to decipher truth from lies I was a smoker, and a marijuana addict who sometimes dabbled in alcoholism trying so hard to blend into a family that seemed to do me more harm than good. I was trying so hard to heal that broken, and abused girl in the best way I knew how with fleshly desires she had so much trauma that she figured God could never love her.
In 2017, I suffered a major demonic attack as I’m typing this message I’m sure you are facing something too, we all are but during this time in 2017 I seen demonic things, heard demonic things, and I seen the depth of how lost and demonically controlled my family was how much hatred my mother actually held for me and how much resentment she really had towards me (for no reason). I understand now that it was just a cover up for how jealous she was of me my family exploited me, abandoned me, had others laughing and mocking me. I even walked in on her calling the hospital to come get me and pick me up to take me away.
I felt scared, and confused my mother claimed she knew Jesus but after this experience I seen how far away from the truth she actually was. She had no truth her conscious was seared with a hot iron her and everyone else in my family they were like anchors keeping me under water not allowing me to float to the top in order to keep from drowning. Three years. The breaking point for me was when I got out of the mental institution( a hotbed for demonic activity different story, different day) my family never called, never checked up on me NO ONE CARED I felt so alone and ashamed going through the incident that I just experienced.
As I stated before we had nothing no money, no food, and I lost my job. So I did what any child would have done I called my mother to ask for help when she answered the phone I could hear the disgust and distain in her voice my heart was beating out of my chest (over 40.00 mind you). What started my no contact decision was when I went to go pick up the money that I wanted to borrow from her and I seen an awe inspiring look of demonic evil and hatred on her face it was like she hated the fact that she had to lend her mentally broken daughter a hand. It made me so upset how she acted like I done her something wrong in reality I was just breaking down from the years of abuse that she took me through a lot of things bubbled to the surface.
After that day in 2017 I left my family alone I changed my number shortly after I then started my journey towards Christ. I dealt with my own demons some that I let in and others that were passed to me through trauma. Going no contact has given me a feeling of liberation, and it has freed me from the chains of maternal narcissism (Jezebel family system) like many children who grow up in this type of environment you may carry around repressed anger. Little things may trigger you to go back into a child’s safe mode, self-hatred is normal for you and you will feel either resentment towards God or refuse His love on the account that you were never shown love properly or in a healthy way.
Deciding to walk away doesn’t mean your weak it just means you need to heal it just means you decide to honor Jesus correctly. Should you stay in a dysfunctional family system that is out of order and robs you of your God given purpose? A system that is against God? I am still on my healing journey I find myself some days feeling inadequate I rely on Jesus daily to take away my shame, and anger only HE can do that. This process doesn’t happen overnight but it does get better once you submit to His will over your life I deal with depression sometimes, but I praise God because NOW I know this is a trick and tool of the enemy to keep me distracted from my God given purpose, and calling the authority He gives me through Jesus Christ.
Many of us will come to this point in our spiritual walk (especially when dealing with toxic family member) that Jesus means more to you than your struggles and pain from abuse. Jesus says in Matthew 10:37-38 kjv
37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.
Whats your cross? Only you know that. I deal with the feelings of not having a family that loved me, not having a mother to validate me. Other vices that sometimes permeates through. But I have an advocate His name is Jesus Christ (1 John 2:2 kjv) There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus we do not praise and worship Jesus Christ based off our righteousness but His.
God knows how many tears I have cried and he knows how many you have cried also.
Psalm 56:8 8Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?
The world takes up for it’s own, but God protects what is His don’t stay around and in the cycle of abuse it will only leave you feeling empty and angry at God (I struggled with that Praise God for deliverance)
Just meditate on these scriptures
1 Peter 5:7 7Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. [when you feel anxious]
Psalm 27:10 10When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. [when you father and mother abandon you or they are abusers}
REMEMBER! The devil attacks the strongest in the bunch not the weakest